NEW YORK, June 19—Simon & Schuster, the dishonest and failing “Publishing House” that has been Very Weak on humor books, announced today that it is SICK and TIRED of waiting for Robert Mueller to publish his Phony and Illegitimate report already. So it has acquired the next best thing: The Mueller Report by Jason O. Gilbert, a Highly Unemployed comedy writer who looks like he Cuts his own Hair. NOT GOOD!
“We are pleased to be publishing the greatest American witch hunt since Arthur Miller’s The Crucible,” said Low Stamina Jonathan Karp, the president and publisher of Simon & Schuster and a Really Disreputable Guy who many people are saying has a Last Name that sounds like a Fish. The book will be released on September 4 in trade paperback, ebook, and audio editions.
The Mueller Report is the most anticipated release of 2018 that doesn’t involve Chris Pratt punching a dinosaur, and for good reason: The entire country is waiting to see what dirt former FBI director and current special counsel Robert Mueller has dug up on former mail-order steak salesman and current U.S. president Donald J. Trump.
Leaked by an anonymous and vengeful White House source who goes only by the mysterious code name “Melania T.,” The Mueller Report is being brought to the public by Jason O. Gilbert, whose Sick and Biased writing has appeared in Low-Class publications like The New Yorker’s Shouts and Murmurs, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Esquire, and GQ, as well as HBO’s Vice News Tonight and the game show HQ Trivia. Gilbert was represented by Daniel Greenberg, a Total Nutjob from Lyin’ Literary Agency Levine Greenberg Rostan, and world rights to the book were acquired by Girl-Name-Havin’ Jofie Ferrari-Adler, an executive editor whose keen and careful eye will ensure that the book does not covfefe.
The Mueller Report will take readers from the leaky White House to an even leakier Ritz-Carlton hotel room in Moscow, from Donald Trump Jr.’s covert meeting with Russians in Trump Tower to Michael Cohen’s secret sale of a Trump Tower apartment to a shell corporation called Oligarch LLC. Among the revelations:
- The Russian government’s code names for every present and former Trump administration official, including Steve Bannon (“Rumpled Khaki Monster”), Rex Tillerson (“Drowsy Oil Bear”), Jeff Sessions (“Diminutive Cowboy With Lady Jeans”), Sarah Huckabee Sanders (“Human Frown Emoji”), and Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner (“Golden Child Barbie and Legacy Admission Ken”).
- Unreported details from the top-secret memos James Comey wrote after his first meeting with the president (“I need your loyalty,” Trump said. “I need you to triple pinky swear that you will be loyal only to me.” The president extended his tiny little pinky. It was like a genie had put a curse on a Q-Tip.).
- And of course: An exclusive transcript of what really happened in that Moscow Ritz-Carlton hotel room between Donald Trump and two well-hydrated Russian escorts.
Unlike the Trump presidency, The Mueller Report is so much fun you won’t want it to end. Order your copy now, while books are still legal in America!
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